Unpolished

I started my Body Banter column with the initial purpose of describing the difficulties associated with balancing recovery and academics, but it wasn’t until this trimester of senior year that I truly realized what a challenge this was.

I am very busy this year as an RA on hall, a participant in the Research in Humanities program, and as a general student at a highly challenging high school. I have college applications piling up, and I don’t even want to be reminded of scholarship applications. On top of all of this, I am battling disordered eating and a mind with previously-had-an-eating-disorder-syndrome.

I’ve been in recovery for almost three years now, so my ‘battle’ is not as intense as it once was. The side effects of ever having an eating disorder, though, are as such: regularly over- or under-eating (i.e. forgetting to nourish your body properly), putting all of your energy into one thing and losing sight of other important things, and attempting to do everything at once, even and especially when impossible. Another more important side effect is keeping up a facade so strong that even you don’t realize it’s a facade.

Yesterday, after I finished a take-home chemistry test, I went back to my room and sobbed, more stressed out than I’ve ever been in my life and definitely more tired of chemistry than I’ve ever been in my life. Sad as this may seem, it felt amazing to cry. My therapist often asks me, “Is this Isabella speaking, or is this Polished Isabella?” Yesterday was not Polished Isabella. Yesterday, even if just for a 5-minute cry-session, I let go of my polished self and embraced my sad, crying, scared, stressed and messy self. I broke my facade, and it was the most refreshing feeling in the world.

Today, I went to coffee with a friend and told her about my meltdown over chemistry and beyond. She said to me, “doesn’t it feel great to cry?” Surprisingly, she didn’t have sarcasm in her voice. She was completely right. More important than realizing that it feels good to let go, though, was realizing that I am not the only one who is keeping up a facade. She felt the exact same way as I did.

I realize that this notion is pretty obvious, so I’m not asking you to keep in mind the mask everyone is wearing (though it wouldn’t hurt). What I’m asking you to do it be introspective. Realize that, most likely, you are not living your most authentic, full-of-feeling life. This is not a criticism, but rather an observation of our human nature.

You don’t always have to be Polished You. Sometimes it’s okay to be polished to keep your sanity, but, at least every now and then, let your guard down. I promise it’s worth it.