Digits Don’t Dominate: Liberating Myself from the Numbers
Written by Molly Warren
Since I was small, I’ve always thought mathematics was my favorite subject. Although this might have been in part due to the influence of my geeky father, numbers quickly became a safe haven. In my mind, numbers were a universal language with no bias, judgment, or room for interpretation. 10 pens were always 10 pens, no matter what you did to them. Numbers had no connotation: they were objective, unlike the infinite possibilities of storytelling that I so despised.
But as I grew older, the digits I held dear to me began to take on voices. These numbers spoke volumes, like the added pounds boomed over loudspeakers in my head. Eventually, digits became voices became creatures, with the emotional depth of a toddler and the manipulative skills of a mastermind. Numbers were no longer numbers: they were bad, ugly, despicable, nasty, and every other hateful word that could be aimed at my body’s target.
I began to see myself as a number, a sum of parts, the points added up on a chemistry test. My dreams swam with digits and I began counting them off on my fingers, toes, wherever I could keep them safe with me for a time.
But these, these were not my numbers, the ones I knew and loved. They were expectations, connotations added after the fact by parents and teachers and peers. It was like a bad translation, as the digits became words that they never knew in the first place through a faulty dictionary of mind.
I’ve realized, digits are just that: digits. No scale ever reads “bad,” nor does a weight machine read “worthy”. Just as we cannot let ourselves be defined by points on an assignment, we must not transcribe any emotion from a number on a scale or a treadmill or a plate.
Digits do not dominate: ideas do. Strip the connotations from your numbers, let them be free and objective and kind. Because no matter how many ways you split it, life is 100% your experience. Dominate your digits so you can make the most of it.
About Molly
Hi, I’m Molly and I study at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in Chapel Hill, NC. I am pursuing my undergraduate degrees in Nutrition Science & Research and Mathematics, with hopes to pursue graduate school. In her Body Banter column, Molly discusses her experiences as an eating disorder survivor, a public health student, and a social justice advocate.
I am an executive board member of the Embody Carolina, an organization on UNC’s campus which shares Body Banter’s goals of debunking diet culture and embracing food freedom. I also serve as a Social Justice Advocacy Board Member on campus, where I work to promote awareness of eating disorders and mental health struggles amongst college-age students. I also helps to develop content for Banter Basics modules, which serve as introductory curriculums for Body Banter discussion groups.
I Banter because as many as 1 in 4 college students will experience an eating disorder while in college, a trend driven by widespread diet culture and fatphobia on college campuses. I aim to reshape the narrative around health for college students, encouraging food freedom and intuitive exercise over strict diets in fear of the “freshman 15”. A holistic view of health, framed by body neutrality and food freedom, is essential to address the impact of eating disorders among college students.