Redefining an Eating Disorder

Written by Molly Monsour

“You don’t look anorexic.” 

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you could see my mental health. The idea that eating disorders must be paired with an unhealthy weight leaves many individuals unhealthy and unhappy with their relationship with food.  For instance, I never considered my eating “disordered”.  Since I was a freshman in high school, I remember experiencing feelings of anxiety surrounding food.  I would obsess over staying under a certain calorie value, however, most of my calorie calculations were estimates.  It wasn’t until I entered my junior year of high school that I truly began to calculate calories.  I would download a countless number of nutrition calculators, spend hours calculating the calorie content of my next meal, and stressing over whether I could have a snack or not.  But I wasn’t underweight, so I was fine... right? Wrong.  

I may not have been clinically diagnosed as anorexic, but I was driving myself insane over my obsession with healthy eating and nutritional information.  I couldn’t eat out with my family and friends without slaving over calorie counts.  I’d be hangry and uncomfortable all day because “I didn’t have enough calories for a snack.”  I’d save calories for a dinner out all day, and by the time we entered the restaurant, I was too hungry to enjoy it.  This obsession went completely ignored.  I thought I was fine, so I told no one.  When I first opened up about my food obsession, my confidant told me that I was ridiculous and definitely didn’t have an eating disorder.  I convinced myself they were right.

Once I got to campus as an overeager (and mildly over committed) freshman, the more noticeable symptoms of anorexia began to present themselves.  For a full year, I regimented myself to the same breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day.  Trying new foods was horrifying.  Eating out was a nightmare.  After returning home for the summer, I finally “looked anorexic enough” to get help.  In a blink of an eye I had doctors and dietitians shoved at me every which way.  Luckily, I was able to regain my physical health.  My mental health, however, had been put on the back burner for so long that I still struggle with disordered thoughts.

People shouldn’t need to look sick enough to get help.  We need to change how eating disorders are perceived.  You can’t see someone’s thoughts, brain pathways, or mental health.  So why would you treat someone with clear disordered thoughts about food as if they are completely fine, solely because they aren’t thin enough? 

Individuals with disordered eating are already consumed by not being “thin enough” for society, they shouldn’t be denied help for the same reason.  If eating disorders can be redefined by mental, rather than physical, symptoms, we could free so many people from unhealthy relationships with food.

About Molly

I am a 20 year old Duke student from Tampa, FL studying Neuroscience and Psychology.  I love cooking (anything with sweet potatoes) and baking!  I also love running and fun exercise classes like kickboxing. 

I banter because… I was diagnosed with anorexia in May 2018. 

My previous summer was dictated by therapy appointments and doctors visits (quite the celebration to finishing freshman year am I right?).  I was lucky enough to have a strong support system which allowed me to regain my health and return to school in the Fall. 

Since returning, I’ve become hyper-aware of the frequency of disordered eating habits on campus, from skipping meals to casual discussions around topics like “calories,” “low-carb,” and “skinny”.  As someone who has and continues to struggle with disordered eating, these patterns are upsetting and I feel strongly about promoting healthy attitudes. 

For these reasons, I am excited to have this opportunity to change the attitude surrounding food, exercise, and body positivity on campuses.