The Process of Weight Gain for an Obsessive, Perfectionist, Control Freak

Written By Molly Monsour

I had to eat HOW much per day??

I was shocked when my recovery team told me how many calories I had to eat to reach my “goal weight”.  Personally, my recovery team didn’t tell me my “goal weight”.  This was probably for the best, honestly.  If I had been told my goal weight, I would’ve become hyper-focused on it.  

Like many individuals diagnosed with anorexia, I am an obsessive, perfectionist, control-freak.  With these admirable (read: sarcasm) characteristics, no doubt I would’ve weighed myself every day.  My obsession over weighing less would’ve transformed into an obsession over reaching this goal weight and getting the HECK out of therapy.  

Yes, shocker, I despised therapy.  I despised my doctor’s appointments.  I despised my nutritionist.  These people didn’t know me, they couldn’t help me, I could do this on my own.  News flash: I could not.  These people pulled me out of the dark embrace of anorexia, and only recently have I been able to realize this.  

Recovery is a tough road.  

No matter how deep anorexia has entwined itself into your mind, recovery will be difficult.  You have to give up complete control to, as I noted, people who don’t even know you.  Your recovery team will be made up of strangers, and you have to trust that they have your best interest at heart. 

I am a very facts focused person.  I‘ve never had a very ~artsy~ or “free-spirited” personality.  My life has always followed a plan to a goal.  Thus, when my therapist told me to “pick out some colored scarves” and wrap them around myself to represent “sick Molly” and “future, healthy Molly”, I had some questionable thoughts.  You can bet she received a HIGH eyebrow raise from me.  

But I did it.  

I wrapped myself in bright yellow, pale pink, and teal scarves and talked to my metaphorical black scarf, sick self.  This felt dumb... until it almost brought me to tears.  Expressing my goals and ambitions to become a happy and healthy version of myself to my “sick self” made me realize how important it was for me to recover.  This exercise turned recovery into something I was familiar with, a path and a goal.  This would be my most important path so far, a path to health and freedom from my eating disorder. 

So yes, the path to recovery sucks.  You will feel stuffed, all the time. Half the bites of food you take will make you want to cry.  It’s impossible to not bloat.  You will likely have a few breakdowns, but keep the end in sight!  

The outcome of recovery is beautiful.  

Recovery brought me back to peanut butter!!! Remember what recovery means to you.  For me, recovery was being truly present in conversations, not nodding my head while mentally calculating calories.  Recovery was eating a snack at 4 pm rather than starving until dinner.  Recovery was going to get ice cream with my brother and sister and actually getting ice cream!  

Recovery doesn’t have to be about weight gain or food, it can be about building better relationships.  

It can be about confidence.  It can be about happiness and freedom.  So create a mental picture of recovery, give up control and perfectionism, wrap yourself in colorful scarves, and show anorexia who’s boss.

About Molly

I am a 20 year old Duke student from Tampa, FL studying Neuroscience and Psychology.  I love cooking (anything with sweet potatoes) and baking!  I also love running and fun exercise classes like kickboxing. 

I banter because… I was diagnosed with anorexia in May 2018. 

My previous summer was dictated by therapy appointments and doctors visits (quite the celebration to finishing freshman year am I right?).  I was lucky enough to have a strong support system which allowed me to regain my health and return to school in the Fall. 

Since returning, I’ve become hyper-aware of the frequency of disordered eating habits on campus, from skipping meals to casual discussions around topics like “calories,” “low-carb,” and “skinny”.  As someone who has and continues to struggle with disordered eating, these patterns are upsetting and I feel strongly about promoting healthy attitudes. 

For these reasons, I am excited to have this opportunity to change the attitude surrounding food, exercise, and body positivity on campuses.