You Can't Live a Full Life on an Empty Stomach
Written By Molly Monsour
A few weeks ago my therapist asked me if I was normally very neutral about things. She said she frequently saw patients with anorexia who never had highs or lows, but were just “fine” all the time. I automatically started to defend myself “well, it IS 7 AM...” but then I started thinking: when was the last time I felt truly emotional about something? I love what I study, traveling, and volunteering; but she was right, I never express this love. In fact, for quite a while, my emotions have been quite blunted. I don’t mean in the sense of depression, but it seems like every second has been faded by Ana screaming at me to “eat this, don’t eat that, calculate those calories, etc”. You get the point.
While traveling abroad, I have had every desire to be present in moments, but sometimes Ana is too loud. I have realized she’s the loudest when I am hungry. My normal hunger cues are out of whack, but I’ve noticed her comments are loudest when I haven’t eaten in a while. So, I eat. I eat when she screams at me to “wait to eat because it’ll be better if I’m hungrier”, or to “only eat vegetables”, or to not eat dessert because “I just ate a meal and I don’t need it.”
And that’s how I beat her. At first, it was horrifying (which sounds dramatic to anyone who hasn’t experienced these emotions, I know). Over time, however, I realized that eating against Ana’s directions was exactly what silenced her. She doesn’t have power over me anymore, because I am learning to trust my body’s cues. Ana is dictated by ridiculous rules and societal beliefs, but she doesn’t know my needs. She doesn’t know when I’m full, or what MY portion sizes are. She has memorized the nutrition labels of almost all foods, but she doesn’t understand that the serving size written on the back of a cereal box is the same for a baby and an olympic athlete. That is where I am smarter. I understand that every person has a different metabolism and that people will be hungrier some days compared to others.
I have learned to live in the moment by doing exactly the opposite of what I hear Ana saying.
She doesn’t control my eating habits anymore, and once I go against her directions, she shuts up. She doesn’t like losing, and after many losses she will get quieter and quieter. About 3 weeks ago I thought I’d live with Ana’s voice forever, but I’m slowly learning that this doesn’t have to be the case. My experiences abroad and traveling have become so much more enjoyable, and my emotions seem less and less shadowed by thoughts about food.
A common quote I hear is “you can’t live a full life on an empty stomach” and this has never been more relevant to me than during recovery. From this moment on, I will not live my life dictated by Ana’s rules or regulations, I will not google calorie contents, and I will not restrict my hunger.
My memories will not be ruined by obsessive thoughts of food, and I urge you to go against Ana’s voice and make full memories as well.
About Molly
I am a 20 year old Duke student from Tampa, FL studying Neuroscience and Psychology. I love cooking (anything with sweet potatoes) and baking! I also love running and fun exercise classes like kickboxing.
I banter because… I was diagnosed with anorexia in May 2018.
My previous summer was dictated by therapy appointments and doctors visits (quite the celebration to finishing freshman year am I right?). I was lucky enough to have a strong support system which allowed me to regain my health and return to school in the Fall.
Since returning, I’ve become hyper-aware of the frequency of disordered eating habits on campus, from skipping meals to casual discussions around topics like “calories,” “low-carb,” and “skinny”. As someone who has and continues to struggle with disordered eating, these patterns are upsetting and I feel strongly about promoting healthy attitudes.
For these reasons, I am excited to have this opportunity to change the attitude surrounding food, exercise, and body positivity on campuses.