Attacking Ana Abroad

Written By Molly Monsour

** I will refer to anorexia as a female, Ana, in this post. This tactic helps to dissociate anorexia-driven thoughts from my own thoughts. It also helps to personify the disease as something that can be removed, rather than something embedded in my brain. This is a similar tactic as used in Jenni Schaefer’s novel, “Life Without Ed.” **

Abroad is all glamor and perfection on social media.

Most aspects of life, however, are portrayed falsely via social media (shocker!!). I have been lying on social media for months now. I advertise my healthy, happy lifestyle interning in California, sunbathing at home in Florida, and traveling Europe while I study in Denmark. Under this cover of perfectly snapped photos, however, I am still recovering.

I’d like to say my recovery from anorexia (Ana) has been flawless and I am doing better than ever; but the truth is, I relapsed this past summer. After a long battle with Ana throughout the school year, she clawed her way back into my brain as summer approached. I can’t recall exactly when she returned. I’m not sure when my thoughts stopped being my own. And I’m especially not sure when the weight loss sabotaged my body once again. What I am sure of, however, is that she is NOT staying for long. Amidst my travels and happy smiles on Instagram, I am going to therapy (yes, while abroad) and fighting aggressively to get rid of my demonic companion.

Don’t get me wrong, studying abroad has been the most incredible experience of my life, some may even say it’s “changing” me… but it has not been perfect. Surviving a relapse and going through recovery again is HARD. It is especially hard when I know what’s coming. I dread the feeling of unbearable fullness, the nagging voice of Ana in my ear, and confronting new fear foods.

In many ways, however, it’s also easier. I know what it feels like to be healthy. I know what it’s like to hear Ana’s whispers, and then completely ignore her. I know what it’s like to try new foods when going out to dinner, enjoy meals with friends, and not anxiously examine the menu before arriving. These positives are what are getting me through my second recovery. I remember how wonderful recovery feels, and even though the process is rough, the end result is the best.

So, the next time I post a scenic shot from my next adventure, remember that people only post their life highlights on social media, and normally there is much more going on behind the scenes. For me, I am kicking Ana out of my life. I refuse to let her deprive me of new, local cuisines, meals with my friends, or the infamous “hygge” dinners hosted by my abroad program. I will have the best abroad experience I can, and she will not hinder it. And she shouldn’t hinder anyone’s life.

No matter where you are in your journey, how busy you are, or even which country you’re in, recovery is possible!

The caveat is that you can’t give half effort, you have to give it your all. Remember how amazing life is, how free you can be, and how many opportunities from which Ana is hindering you… and then give your 110% effort to get rid of her.

About Molly

I am a 20 year old Duke student from Tampa, FL studying Neuroscience and Psychology.  I love cooking (anything with sweet potatoes) and baking!  I also love running and fun exercise classes like kickboxing. 

I banter because… I was diagnosed with anorexia in May 2018. 

My previous summer was dictated by therapy appointments and doctors visits (quite the celebration to finishing freshman year am I right?).  I was lucky enough to have a strong support system which allowed me to regain my health and return to school in the Fall. 

Since returning, I’ve become hyper-aware of the frequency of disordered eating habits on campus, from skipping meals to casual discussions around topics like “calories,” “low-carb,” and “skinny”.  As someone who has and continues to struggle with disordered eating, these patterns are upsetting and I feel strongly about promoting healthy attitudes. 

For these reasons, I am excited to have this opportunity to change the attitude surrounding food, exercise, and body positivity on campuses.